You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
