I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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