im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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