Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
