dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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