Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
