I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
