there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
