the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
being pregnant is like rehab
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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