My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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