I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
