You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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