mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
