Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
