I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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