I'm gonna have a badass scar
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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