i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
