I could make wine with my vomit
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize