Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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