Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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