saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
