Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
