I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Randomize
