drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
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