btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
