You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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