You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
