i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
