bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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