ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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