She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
