Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
