I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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