Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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