i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
