Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
