we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
