I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
