guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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