yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
