my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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