If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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