Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
