I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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