Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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