Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
