i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
