i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
