Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
