I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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