Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
