I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize
