i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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