So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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