I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
