I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
