Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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