you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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