dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
