I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Randomize
